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Better To Give Than Receive
Possum Lodge has a blood donor competition with Caribou Lodge. Cast (in order of Appearance): , , , , Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Adventures With Bill, The Experts DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5; The Red Green Show – 1998 Season DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: Ever since we started doing "The Red Green Show", {points out the location around him} we've used this location. It's a farm in Ontario, belongs to a great gentleman named Don Nash. And, uh, {points out the shacks behind him} we've made these shacks, uh, kind of famous. But once in a while, we get to the real part of the farm where he lives. And it happens in this episode. We've actually used– That's Don Nash's garage you're about to see, but we've converted it into a car wash. Transcript {Red is seated on a lawn chair near the lake. He holds up a bottle of beer.} RED GREEN: You know, there is no better place to enjoy your favorite sparkling barley malt beverage than in the great outdoors. Unfortunately now, the great outdoors doesn't come with any built-in end tables, and you end up forgetting where you left your beer. Well, I have a solution for that. {holds up a toiler plunger} Get yourself one of these plumber's helpers. That'll do the trick for ya. {pulls out the extendable cuff on the plunger} Now go high-end on this. Get the deluxe model with the built-in... It's got the little inside extendable cuff there. And you stick that unit into the ground. {he sticks the plunger into the ground, handle down, cup up} Ram 'er in there good upside-down. {he places the beer inside the cup} And there's your perfect built-in drink holder right there, eh? {Pull back to reveal Red surround by several toilet plungers stuck in the ground upside-down, all with beer bottles in them.} RED GREEN: Always close at hand, and you'll never forget where you put your beer. Intro HAROLD GREEN: It's The Red Green Show! And now, here's the man who never says "Die," because it might be true, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green! {Red walks into the Lodge and waves while the audience cheers.} AUDIENCE: {chanting} Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! RED GREEN: Okay! Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Actually, bit of a disappointment up at the Lodge this week. We had a fishing derby going on against Caribou Lodge up on Mercury Creek. Now, we caught more fish, but they ended up winning! Somebody got paid off somewhere down the line, I figured! AUDIENCE: Aw... HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know what it is? Most of your fish ended up getting disqualified. Well, they were frozen and still had the price tags on them, so... RED GREEN: I don't think so, Harold, I figure. No, the point is, we caught more fish! I don't think we should be penalized for ingenuity. To me, cheating just means you care about winning. HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I know a way– I know a way you can get revenge on those guys. RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. You challenge 'em... Like, because it's National Health Care Week, right? So you challenge them to a blood donor competition! {chuckles} RED GREEN: What're you talking about, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, blood donor competition! It's great! Yeah, all you do is you donate more blood than they do, and you guys win! It's fantastic! I do it all the time. It doesn't even hurt or nothin', you know? Yeah. Best part is– Best part is– Best part is, a nurse comes up to ya. Y'know, she's wearing, like, a white dress and white – haw! – stockings. She gives you juice and cookies and rubs your arm and asks how you feel. RED GREEN: {shaking his head} No, no, no. Harold, Harold? No, out of the question. I cannot give blood. I need it all for my lifestyle. And to hold my veins open. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. No, if you're afraid, I understand. That's okay. RED GREEN: What? What? I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Not afraid. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay, that's not fear in your eyes? I thought it was fear in your eyes. Not fear in your eyes. Okay. RED GREEN: All right, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Harold. I'm gonna go challenge the Caribou Lodge guys, and if they're up for it, I'm in! HAROLD GREEN: You think they might refuse? RED GREEN: I'm bankin' on it. {heads for the door} The Possum Lodge Word Game HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's contestant is local explosives expert, Mr. Edgar Montrose! {Edgar puts his hand to his ear to hear the audience cheering, then waves.} HAROLD GREEN: And today, Mr. Montrose is playing for a fantastic grand prize of a brand-new stereo receiver supplied by Soupy's Electronic Emporium! {holds up a completely destroyed, fallen-apart stereo} Some reassembly acquired. Okay. {picks up word sign} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say the following word. {to Edgar} You have to cover your ears, Mr. Montrose. {Edgar does nothing} RED GREEN: Not necessary. HAROLD GREEN: Okay, today's word is... {turns word sign around to show audience} Delicate. Delicate. RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down} Go! RED GREEN: Edgar! Edgar! This is something that's easy to break. EDGAR MONTROSE: Marital commitments. RED GREEN: No, no. What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal? EDGAR MONTROSE: Oops! RED GREEN: All right, uh, say you're on one of your demolition sites there. There's a little flower there, eh? A tiny flower, dainty little petals. You would say that flower is... EDGAR MONTROSE: Toast! RED GREEN: Oh, I remember! The old water tower, remember? You blew that up and you didn't even scratch the factory next door. You must've been very... EDGAR MONTROSE: Embarrassed. RED GREEEN: Embarrassed? EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, actually, I was hired to dynamite the factory. RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh, oh. HAROLD GREEN: Almost running out of time, Uncle Red! RED GREEN: Yeah, I know. HAROLD GREEN: Let's move it on! RED GREEN: Oh, oh, I got it, I got it, I got it! Lunch hour! You take a break, you go over to Schaefer's Delicatessen, what do you order? EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, corned beef on rye. RED GREEN: Okay, but not just any corned beef, you order Schaefer's special... EDGAR MONTROSE: Deli cut! RED GREEN: There we go! {Red starts ringing the bell and Harold hands Edgar the stereo.} Plot Segment 2 {Red enters the Lodge, looking upset, while Harold tunes his switcher.} RED GREEN: I can't believe it! Those Caribou Lodge guys accepted our blood donor challenge! HAROLD GREEN: This is so excellent! RED GREEN: No... HAROLD GREEN: This is great! Oh, we're gonna beat them so bad! RED GREEN: Yeah? How do you figure that, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you guys have never given blood before. You're ripe! It's great! Oh, yeah, blood's just gonna come gushing outta ya! RED GREEN: {clearly uneasy} Can we talk about something else? HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You ever seen when someone steps on a grape, just goes... {mimics squishing noise} ...like that? It just shoots! RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh! HAROLD GREEN: What? You know what we should do? We should race down to the blood donor place right now and get a head start! C'mon! {Harold grabs Red's arm and tries to run off with his uncle, but Red refuses to budge.} RED GREEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Harold! Harold, I can't! I can't. I can't give blood today. HAROLD GREEN: No? RED GREEN: No. You know what? {rubs his left arm} It's still full of toxins from the weekend. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's okay. That's okay, that's not a problem. If there's anything wrong with your blood, they'll tell you, so come on! {Harold again grabs his uncle's arm and again tries to pull on it to make Red come with him. Red pulls his arm back.} RED GREEN: Harold, Harold, Harold, Harold! I'll go when I'm good and ready, all right? Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I'm n– I'm not really feeling all that good. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no. RED GREEN: No, I... HAROLD GREEN: Really? Are you coming down with something? RED GREEN: {scratching his neck} Y'know, I got that throat thing. This could be the mumps. Feels like the mumps. HAROLD GREEN: The mumps? Oh, no, mumps are bad. Mumps– mumps are really bad if you get them! Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, mumps are... Wow! 'Cause I thought it was something like... chicken pox. {clucks like a chicken as he makes his arms like chicken wings} RED GREEN: All right! All right! Let's go! {leaves the Lodge} HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Oh, I knew that would get his blood up! {follows Red out the door} Red's Campfire Song {Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.} RED GREEN: :Oh, there once was a guy named Hardhead McCall, :Who liked to do things fast. :He ran like the wind and ate the same way, :Always ready and fully gassed. :He had a fast boat with 400 horse. :I tell ya, that baby could fly. :But when he hit the bridge, doing a hundred and ten, :He decided to give stopping a try. Handyman Corner {Red walks around from behind a very filthy-looking Possum Van.} RED GREEN: You know, I've been meaning to get the Possum Van cleaned up for the last couple of... {looks at van} years. I just can't justify paying five bucks at a car wash when I can do every bit as good a job at home for nothin'. Then when I get home, I can't justify washing the van, knowing that a car wash is so much easier. It's a vicious circle, isn't it? {He walks into a car garage in someone's house, passing by the Handyman Corner sign as he does so.} RED GREEN: So this week, on "Handyman Corner", I've come up with a simple solution. {goes over to a disconnected dishwasher in the middle of the garage} We're gonna build our very own car wash. {opens dishwasher} Now, obviously, I can't get the Possum Van into this dishwasher. I guess maybe I take this bolt out and unbolt that... No, no, no! So what I need is an empty waterproof box that's big enough to hold the van. {looks around at garage} Which I believe we have right here. {Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing in the middle of a lawn, holding a garden hose. It looks very misty.} RED GREEN: Now, to fire up the water for our car wash, you could use one of those special irrigation hoses from your garden. {holds up garden hose} Or you can just convert a normal hose using your lawn mower. {Red goes over to a lawn mower, next to which is the source of the misty water: the hose has sprung several leaks and the water is spraying out. Wipe to a later scene. Red is pushing a wheelbarrow full of old clothes.} RED GREEN: Now, you go looking through your basement for old clothes you'll never wear again. Oh, I know you can give your old clothes to poor people, but poor people don't have cars to wash, do they? {holds up a pile of neckties from the barrow} Look at this. Isn't that great? Silk ties? These work great. The Ghost of Christmas Past. {holds up a huge pair of beige pants} Oh, by golly, look at these! Size 30! Remember the '60s? Neither do I. Red's Sage Advice Plot Segment 3 Adventures With Bill The Experts Plot Segment 4 Fun Facts Inside References *During the Word Game, Red and Edgar mention the latter blowing up one structure and not even scratching another one next door. Edgar mentioned something like that in Step Outside.